5 Tips to Improve Your Communication

A complex concept

Communicating effectively is a surprisingly complex concept and something that at New Insights, we devote an entire module of the skills training element of the coach training programme to.

In this post, we\’ll keep things brief and cover five simple, yet important tips dealt with in the module.

What is it and what makes it effective?

Before we start, it is useful to explore what communication is and what makes for effective communication.

In simple terms, communication is an exchange of information between people (this can be one-on-one, or one-on-many in nature).

Each communication involves a sender of the message, the message itself and the recipient, or recipients, of that message.

In the great majority of cases that involve well-intended communication, we can regard that communication as effective if the interpretation that is assigned to the message by the recipient, matches what the sender intended.

To put that in context, just imagine if all communications were received exactly as they were intended. The world would be a very different place!

I’d go so far as to suggest that there would be few, if any, wars, a substantial reduction in relationship breakdowns and probably too little work to keep the legal profession in business!

OK, now we’ve covered what communication is and what makes it effective, let’s move on to my five top tips.

Tip 1: Listen, listen, listen!

If you want to be properly understood, then take time to listen!

It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

Think about this. If you want to plant a seedling and ensure it has the very best chance of growing into a healthy plant, you’re first going to need to spend a fair amount of time preparing and watering the soil to receive it.

Likewise, if you want to get an important message across, clearly and without misunderstanding, you need to prepare the way for it. And you do this by listening carefully to the person or persons you’re communicating with.

Listen to the tone of voice (gives clues to their emotional state).

Listen to what they’re saying (offers clues about what’s on their mind). And listen to what they’re not saying. (Does what they are saying align with or conflict with their behaviour and body language, perhaps?)

Finally, listen generously (i.e. give them enough time and space to say what they really want to say, before you respond).

Tip 2: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

You may be wondering what Newton’s third law of motion has to do with communications prowess!

Well, this is a tip that I learnt about in corporate life. It builds on the first tip and has particular relevance in the workspace.

I think Newton’s Law is a great analogy for what happens when you try too hard to force your message on someone or some people, without first trying to understand their perspective …

…You get resistance!

And the harder you try, the more resistance you will get.

All communications are two-way interactions. If you fail to realise this, and think that by simply issuing a communication you will get the results you desire, think again!

Even if you get no written or spoken response to your communication, you will get an emotional response from your intended recipient(s). The problem is, you won’t be at all sure what it is!

Progressive employers are starting to come to terms with the fact that, to be effective, their communications departments cannot simply be disseminators of information and policy, they must – first and foremost – be critical listening posts.

That brings me to tip number three.

Tip 3: Be aware of – and beware of – filters

Filters are the source of most misunderstandings when it comes to communications, so this is a subject worth going into in a little more depth.

Have you ever said or written something to someone and been completely surprised, or taken aback, by the reaction?

The reason, generally, has to do with the filtering that occurs between the sender issuing the message and the recipient interpreting it.

Let’s consider an example.

Janet is a project manager and has just met with her client who has brought forward the deadline for one of the important milestones she has been working to achieve. Janet, quite innocently, innocently calls her husband, John, to explain that she has to work late at the office to make up time to meet the deadline.

John puts down the phone with an initial feeling of mild disappointment. He will miss not being able to share dinner with his wife.

But then his internal filters go to work on Janet’s message.

First, his ‘global’ or ‘generalised’ belief system, which holds that “people just can’t be trusted”, comes into play. His feelings turn to sadness as he interprets Janet’s communication to be a smokescreen for something else that she withheld from telling him.

Then John’s life ‘rules’ that he developed over time, kick into play. One of his ‘rules’ is: “If someone loves me they will put me first”. Now John’s sadness turns to a feeling of rejection as he starts to question his wife’s love for him.

Finally, John’s value system enters the filtering mix. Stability is one of John’s highest values and as he tries to reconcile what his wife said with this value, he becomes fearful that she may have found someone else and is intent on leaving him.

Now, do you see how a simple, innocently intended message, can become grossly distorted, thanks to the receiver’s filters?

Next time you experience a communication breakdown, think about how filters may have messed with the original integrity of the message.

Okay, here’s my all-time favourite tip for better communication…

Tip 4: Apply the 20 minute rule

Wherever practical, wait at least twenty minutes before responding to a communication that, at first, irks you or gets your back up.

You know what I mean…

• The corporate climber at the office who copies you in on an email to the boss in which he tries to take credit for a piece of great work you were responsible for.
• The client who sends you a derogatory email, berating you for poor service, when you know it wasn’t your fault.
• The two-liner from your bank telling you they’ve deactivated your account for being marginally overdrawn, even though you’ve been a client of theirs since the dawn of time!
• The waitress in the restaurant who is deliberately avoiding your gaze and beckoning gestures.

These are typical situations we all face from time to time.

It’s tempting to draw on the first thoughts and feelings that enter your head and react immediately with anger and/or sarcasm. But that is almost always a BIG MISTAKE!

When your communication is driven by raw emotion, it may reflect a faithful indication of what you are feeling at the time, but it’s most unlikely to generate a constructive result.

Allow your reactive emotions to subside, long before you respond. You’ll be glad you did. Your response will be more measured, more thoughtful, more appropriate and more appreciated!

My final tip …

Flexibility is the key

To be a great communicator you have to be able to put yourself in the shoes of the person or persons you are communicating with.

This is easier said than done.

Although we may share certain traits and characteristics with other people, every single one of us on this planet is unique. It follows that no two people will have the exact same perspective on a common situation or topic.

If you’re one of those people who is intolerant of those who hold different views and opinions and find it difficult to adapt your language or style, then it is unlikely that your attempts to communicate effectively will meet with success.

However, if you are flexible enough to recognise that certain situations and people call for different approaches, and you have a high tolerance for other views and opinions, then you’ll find it easy to build the kind of rapport that ensures that your communications hit the mark.

Naturally good communicators are people who:

• understand that communication is a two-way give and take process;
• are great listeners;
• make every effort to be objective rather than subjective about things people say to them;
• think before ‘shooting from the hip’;
• are flexible enough to adapt to the people or circumstances that contextualise their communications.

Such people are more likely to flourish in all aspects of life and business!