Are you one of those whose life looks good on the outside … but doesn’t feel too great on the inside?
It’s a sad fact that a great number of us have come to accept that our lives are only as good as we think they look to other people.
This ingrained belief – that we are only as good as other people think we are, or that success is a relative thing to be measured by how we stack up against our peer group – is the root cause of many of the problems we experience.
On the flip side of the coin, by developing what I like to call an ‘internal motivation’ you can quickly come to derive greater meaning, happiness and fulfillment from life.
[box type=\”shadow\”]“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”
― Dalai Lama XIV[/box]
True Happiness continued
50 Things That Make Me Happy
One of the many exercises clients are encouraged to do in the New Insights life coaching programme, is what we call ’50 Things That Make Me Happy’.
This involves writing down at least 50 things that make you feel happy and contented. The exercise accomplishes two important goals.
Simple things
Firstly, it makes the client aware of just how many simple things there are from which genuine happiness can be derived (a pleasing distraction from the all too common focus on things that cause unhappiness).
External vs Internal motivation
Secondly, the client is encouraged to explore the degree to which their happiness is dependent on others – i.e. ’externally motivated’ – so that they can look to change that and bring their own genuine happiness firmly under their own control.
Consider the following examples:
“When my partner hugs or kisses me”
“Getting presents on my birthday”
“When my boss congratulates me for a good piece of work”
“Being taken out for a fine dinner”
“When friends admire my car or my house”
“Watching my favourite team win the championship”
Now consider these:
“Making hot coffee on a cold winter’s morning”
“Taking my kids to the park”
“Walking my dog around the neighbourhood”
“Gazing at the stars on a clear night”
“Preparing breakfast in bed for my partner on a Sunday morning”.
“Surprising my best friend with a visit.”
In the first set of examples, happiness is externally motivated, i.e. dependent on the actions of others.
In the second example, happiness is internally motivated, i.e. totally within one’s control.
Something to be acquired?
The material world we live in encourages us to believe that happiness is something to be acquired. That’s how the commercial world works. We are constantly bombarded with claims about how product X or service Y will make us sleep better, work better, live longer, look younger and so on.
We are seduced into making constant comparisons with others to test how successful, rich, good looking, slim, muscular or healthy we are. As a result we are never truly happy because there is, of course, always someone who seems to be better off.
Externally motivated happiness is not true happiness. It is often difficult and frustrating to achieve as it depends on others to take action. It is also inauthentic and fleeting when it happens. It frequently requires money and sometimes a good deal of it.
Authentic happiness
By contrast, internally motivated happiness is easy to achieve, it’s authentic by nature and the feeling is long lasting. It does not necessarily need any money at all.
Internally motivated happiness is a state we can bring about whenever we feel like it. It requires us to take action and is therefore completely within our control.
The great thing is that true happiness is a great deal easier for all of us to experience than we think.
Bring about a step change
You can bring about a step change in the way you feel about life simply by becoming aware of the difference between externally and internally motivated happiness and then slowly weaning yourself off the former and on to the latter.
Please, give it a try!
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This is great. Have learnt something – internal motivation
Happiness that is motivated from within ourselves is the only true happiness.
Externally motivated happiness never last long.
Your article made me think of the “hungry ghosts” that Martha Beck writes about; People who are externally motivated can have all material things desired but will just never have enough.
Internally motivated happiness is the only happiness that can consistently satiate anyone and I think that internally motivated happiness becomes the the deeper emotion we call joy.
Awesome insight, internal motivation is the way to go and it so much resonates with the book I am reading on loving ourselves. We can only love others and give out our best when it starts with us.
Thanks Bill for sharing.
Agatha
It is so amazing to link to this article at this moment, just when I need reminding of the importance of internal motivation and authentic happiness. thanks
You’re very welcome Anne. I hope you’ll become a loyal reader!
Awesome article. It speaks to everybody’s situation. However, it is a challenge we can slowly overcome- Moving away from external motivation to internal motivation.
To access the source of lasting happiness, I just have to “be,” in the words of my favourite author, Dr Wayne Dyer. The source of lasting happiness is inner peace. And the key to inner peace is learning to calm my mind. When I sit in silence, close my eyes, focus on my breath (the very source of my life) and ignore my thoughts, I feel peaceful. When I feel peaceful, I feel happy. And I have that peace with me all the time. All I have to do, is to connect with it. No person or thing can provide me with the same degree of lasting happiness.
Thank you Karen – some great thoughts here!