Ask the Right Questions

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If you think about it carefully you will, I am sure, appreciate that the process of thinking is really a process of asking and answering questions in your mind.

Perhaps not everything you think is in the form of a question or answer. You may ‘think a statement’ like “That’s a really beautiful view” for instance, but that thought is really just the answer to a question “What do I like about that view?”

So, if the process of thinking involves continually asking questions and seeking answers, it follows that if we are regularly asking the wrong questions then that is likely to contribute to disempowering beliefs and have an overall negative effect on us.

Let me give you an example of what I mean:

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Ask the right questions (continued)

 

Clumsy Candice

Candice is alone at home busy cooking a meal for her family when she drops and smashes an expensive dish. Her immediate thought is “Why am I so clumsy?” and her brain quickly finds the answers: “Because you were born that way” and “Because that’s just who you are”.

A couple of days later when Candice is asked out by her best friend to go roller skating she answers: “Oh, no thanks, I’m hopeless at roller skating – I’m just so clumsy!”

Negative questions attract negative answers

The point here is that when you ask yourself negative or disempowering questions, you are tasking your brain to find appropriate answers and examples … and these, in turn, provide the foundations for a limiting belief.

A limiting belief, for those not used to the term, is a belief that you may hold that, by its very nature, limits your growth and development. In Candice’s case this would be a belief that she was born a clumsy person.

And so it is that habitual ‘negative’ thinking (in other words, asking yourself disempowering questions) leads to the formation of limiting beliefs.

And it doesn’t stop there.

When you have limiting beliefs, they tend to focus your mind on what is wrong with you or with your life or with life in general. Then you start to ask more disempowering questions of yourself and … guess what … you get more disempowering answers!

Can you see that this is the start of a very vicious cycle?

Positive questions attract positive answers

The opposite side of the coin presents a much rosier picture.

If we can get into the habit of asking ourselves positive, empowering questions, then our brains will constantly be finding the appropriate positive, empowering answers. These will lead to the establishment of empowering beliefs and the personal growth and development that comes from this.

Changing a habit

Of course, changing a habit is not like flipping a switch. Even once you become aware of your habit of asking disempowering questions, it takes some time to arrest and change that habit – 21 days is the norm.

So what can you do in the interim?

Tone and emphasis

One technique that works well is to simply change the ‘tone’ with which you ask yourself incriminating questions and/or change where you place the emphasis in your question.

No, I haven’t gone totally loopy here. Please bear with me!

Whereas tone and emphasis is normally something you associate with the spoken word, it also applies to the ‘thought’ word.

When last did you think something to yourself like: “Why am I am such an idiot?”

The chances are that your unspoken tone was pretty harsh. In fact, if you’re like most, you may well have added a little colour to your self-incrimination:

“Why am I such a *@%%* idiot?”

Also, the likelihood is that you lay specific emphasis on the word idiot just to ram it home to yourself.

As you’ve been reading this you have probably played the thought “Why am I am such a *@%%* idiot?” over in your own mind.

Good, now try this:

Think the same thing again but this time change the emphasis away from ‘idiot’ (or the profanity) and sing your thought melodically in your mind:

♫♫♫ “Why am I am such an *@%%* idiot?” ♫♫♫

(Isn’t it wonderful that we can sing to ourselves silently without attracting derision or hysterical laughter from others!)

I think you’ll agree that this feels a lot less self-deprecating and a lot more like you’re enjoying a bit of light hearted banter with yourself. Not so?

Messing with your brain (in a nice way)

What’s happening here is that you are literally messing with your brain’s ability to connect that fundamentally disempowering thought to a limiting belief. In other words you are taking away the negative power of that thought!

It is my pleasure to introduce to you another simple life coaching technique today. I hope you have found it both useful and a bit of fun!

 

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16 thoughts on “Ask the Right Questions”

  1. This is an hilarious technique, Bill and it really works! I’ve taken to turning internal questions and conversations I have in my head into opera – it just diffuses those critical, self-depreciating thoughts that can be so debilitating. Sometimes we take ourselves far too seriously – it’s good to smile from the inside out.

  2. Hi Bill,
    Just to add, I also believe there is greater emphasis on the spoken word than the thought itself I.e. the the spoken negative question reinforces the limiting belief more than the negative thought. It becomes even worse when you involve some gestures as well as the tone of your voice when asking yourself these negative questions. That is why in coaching it is critical to ask the client positive empowering questions which will help the client to develop empowering beliefs.

    1. Well both are a problem but we have around 60,000 thoughts a day so this is definitely the place to start if you want to change your life quickly 🙂

  3. Morning Bill
    Bill I really enjoyed this article, it firmly reiterated for me how negative questioning forms limiting beliefs. This is powerful stuff! Thank you..

  4. Busisiwe Mogamisi

    Thanks Bill you always awaken us in many ways this is true its like waking up everyday with the same saying what another day stay blessed

  5. Hello Bill

    Thank you for continuing to raise our awareness of various aspects of our behaviour and for providing us with the tools and the motivation to do things differently.

  6. Thanks for a providing great insight into questions, the nature thereof and the impact it can possibly have. It is much appreciated, Bill.

  7. Christel Rohrs

    Thanks for providing a good angle on this “QUESTIONS” session in the coaching programme. If I had to choose my least favourite session to coach and even my least favourite session when I was coached…. it is this session on Questions because it never really seemed relevant…..
    You have added a different slant to it, so I guess I can work with this now. Thanks Bill

    1. You’re right Christelle – we will be looking to add a bit of ‘meat’ to that Session (notably based on what you read here) in the next version.

      Thanks for your comments!

  8. Good one Bill, thankfully one I stopped doing many years ago. I make a full conscious effort not to but I do see it in some clients and its engrained. Its a challenge to get them over that point and I know of one who seems to want to remain like this.

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