Change … and Relapse

May you live in interesting times. This is, supposedly, the English translation of an ancient Chinese curse!

Interestingly, the Chinese language original has apparently never been found, although some say that the curse was based on a proverb that reads:

\”It\’s better to be a dog in a peaceful time than be a man in a chaotic period.\”

Roll with the punches

Either way, the meaning is clear. To live in a period of great change, like we’re witnessing today, takes real courage and an ability to ‘roll with the punches’ for want of a better way of putting it!

Have you ever heard the saying:

\”There are those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.\”?

The same can be applied to people in times of major change.

Change with the change

To flourish (never mind cope) in times of change it is necessary to embrace the change and change with it. Those who cannot, find themselves stuck in a rut, becoming ever more fearful as the world around them changes, leaving them to contemplate: “What on earth happened?”

But change is not something that comes either naturally or comfortably for most people.

Pain and pleasure

We are programmed to avoid anything that might bring us pain (real or perceived) and to pursue anything that may bring us pleasure. But the former is a more powerful driving force than the latter.

So when people contemplate major change, it is common for them to dwell on their worst fears before considering the positive opportunities that may arise from that change.

Towards inspired action

In life coaching we seek to reverse this by helping clients to see change as being inherently good, albeit unavoidable. In this way we can prevent the usual procrastination and indecision brought on by fear of what might be, and replace it with a bias for inspired action – leading to positive, transformative change.

Almost always a relapse

Exciting though this process may be for coach and client alike, any period of significant personal change, is almost always accompanied by some form, or period, of ‘relapse’. For those who are not prepared for it and don\’t know how to accept and deal with it, the effect can be demoralising and possibly even quite devastating.

What do I mean by ‘relapse’?

I mean a tendency to regress (or ‘slip back’) from the state of transformation that has occurred, towards the prior state or condition.

Let me ask you a question …

Who do you know that has made a life changing decision? Can you think of someone who has effected a major positive change, turned his or her life around or done something extraordinary?

Perhaps you are such a person?

Now let me ask you this…

Did that change just happen \’overnight\’? Was it a seamless transition from life at one level to life at a higher level, with no looking back, no hiccups, no regression either physically or emotionally?

My guess is not.

Change is messy

That’s because change, as my HR lecturer at university liked to say, is “a little messy”!

Put it this way … If you were to represent change accurately as a graph on a sheet of paper, you would be best off doing it while sitting in the back of an old bus on a very bumpy road!

You see, those who experience great positive change in their lives almost always have to deal with some form of regression or relapse at some point in their journeys.

Why?

Because we have been conditioned to act and think a certain way over many years and it’s natural and instinctive for our conscious minds to want to return us to the position of relative security and comfort that we ‘enjoyed’ prior to the change. (Change usually means unfamiliar territory and having to behave in a more courageous, adventurous and proactive manner.)

Tending towards order

In nature, things tend naturally to a state of disorder (a more appropriate  word might be \’randomness\’). That’s why you won’t see trees growing naturally in straight lines or rocks on the beach forming orderly patterns. Nature will always try its best to undo any attempts at orderliness!

Humans, however, are the exact opposite. We tend towards greater order. We don’t like randomness. So it’s in our conscious nature to take shelter in the more structured, more ordered, more certain things that life can offer – and to resist, or shy away from change that inevitably promises more of the unknown.

If it’s natural for us to relapse, regress or backtrack during or after transformational change, how do we deal with that?

Letting the genie out of the bottle

The key is to realise that in having the courage to transform your life, you are, in a sense, ‘letting the genie out the bottle’. By that I mean that you will never be the same again, no matter how badly the relapse you experience. You will never return to \’square one’.

The other thing to appreciate is that in reflecting on the relapse you are likely to be your own worst enemy. Nobody is likely to be as harsh on you as you!

Simple advice

So here, in a nutshell, is the simple advice I would give to anyone on a journey of transformational change who has suffered, is suffering, or may suffer – a relapse.

1.     It’s quite normal. It happens to the best of us. It’s the desire for certainty and order kicking in. It’s to be expected.

2.     Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s tough enough dealing with change and then regression without having your harshest critic dump on you! Find support.

3.     No matter how badly you think you’ve slipped back, you’ll never return to where you were before. You’ve changed forever.

4.     Now, dust yourself off, pat yourself on the back for having had the courage to embark on change in your life, look at this setback as a bumpy patch in the road and remember: just up ahead and around the corner the road has been completely resurfaced.

5.     Get back on track and make this change work for you. You truly deserve it! ☺