Bending Your Rules

Your values are the ideas, principles, traits, beliefs, philosophies and/or qualities that you hold as most dear and special in your life.

Simply put, they are the things that mean the most to you.

But did you know that, like everyone else, you have certain rules for when and how frequently you allow yourself to experience your values?

[box type=\”shadow\”]\”If I\’d observed all the rules, I\’d never have got anywhere.\”

Making life difficult for ourselves

One of the big ironies of life is that we tend to be our own worst taskmasters. By this I mean that most of us make it really difficult to feel good about ourselves.

This problem can be attributed to the fact that we are so externally focused in defining our own \’success\’.

As I wrote in last week\’s article, \’Growing Self Belief\’ we have become preoccupied with judging our success based on how others see us, rather than how we feel on the inside.

One big competition

Society has ingrained in us the belief that life is one big competition.

At school and university we strive to prove our mettle by getting better grades than our peers. On the sports field and in business success is associated with winning – beating the competition. In our personal lives we tend to judge those with the most possessions and material wealth as being the most successful.

So is it really any surprise that we set such uncompromising standards for ourselves?

Setting things up for disappointment

Just the other day, I heard a young friend of the family pronounce \”I will know I\’m successful in life when I can buy myself a 40 hectare farm and eight bedroom lodge in the countryside.\”

Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment!

Now I\’m the first one to encourage anyone to dream … and dream big. It\’s fun. And we\’re all capable of far more than we know.

Don\’t confuse dreams with rules for success

But by making the achievement of a big dream his rule for feeling successful, this youngster is consigning himself to a long period – perhaps a lifetime – of feeling unsuccessful!

On a more down to earth note, a coaching client of mine who values motherhood highly, confided in me that she felt quite exhausted from all the demands of raising two children.

\”But do you feel successful as a mother and happy with what you\’ve achieved?\” I asked.

Jumping through hoops

Her answer revealed a rule that would have her jumping through impossible hoops for may years still to come…

\”I\’ll only truly feel that way once my kids have both grown up, left home and are fending for themselves in the big wide world,\” she said.

When I explained that her rule for experiencing the joy of being a good mother was ridiculously harsh she clasped her head in her hands at the realisation of how difficult she had made it for herself to feel good about her mothering abilities.

Another client who clearly had career success at or near the top of his value list was feeling dissatisfied with life and generally unfulfilled.

Promotion … or bust!

When I probed his rules for feeling good about his career it became clear that he had linked success with promotion.

\”I feel like a failure. I set myself a target for reaching a senior management level in the company before turning 40 and I\’ve just missed out on the promotion that would have made that a reality,\” he ventured.

\”So what does that mean to you,\” I asked.

\”I have let myself down and I don\’t know the way forward from here,\” he replied.

Depending on others

I pointed out that he had set up a rule for success that was wholly dependent on the whim of his superior (who had chosen to make an external appointment).

You won\’t believe how common it is for people to deny themselves the joy of meeting or experiencing their highest values by setting rules for success that are difficult in the extreme or out of their control.

A little bit of thought … and a new lease on life

And yet, with a little bit of thought and effort those rules can be changed to make feeling good something that comes easily and naturally.

My client and mother came up with a simple, and empowering new rule that has brought her great joy:

\”Any time one of my children says \’Thanks Mum\’ I feel like a successful mother.\”

My career oriented client has changed his rule for failure to put him back in control:

\”Only if I choose to give up trying will I feel like a failure in my career.\”

And his new rule for success has given him a new lease on life:

\”Any time that a colleague asks me for advice or support I feel happy and successful in my career.\”

New rules … the antidote to disappointment

Next time you find yourself feeling disappointed, frustrated or unfulfilled with some aspect of your life that you value highly, consider that you may, unwittingly, have brought this upon yourself.

Think about the rules that you have unconsciously set to allow yourself to feel good about this area of your life.

Are they tough and uncompromising and partly beyond your control? … Or are they easy, empowering and totally yours to own?