8 Key Assumptions That Underpin Effective Life Coaching

1. The past does not have to dictate the future.

Many people are inclined to believe that their future is inextricably linked with their past.

For example, those who weathered a tough upbringing, a difficult education, rocky relationships, serious health issues, problems with addiction, financial distress – or any manner of serious challenges that we humans face from time to time – can be forgiven for thinking that they are destined to a disadvantaged future with more of the same.

Life coaching promotes a refreshing and excitingly different perspective on this.

It recognises that one’s past represents a rich tapestry of experiences and learnings from which one can draw strength and wisdom.

It rejects the notion that one’s destiny is inevitably tied to one’s past and that past responses and patterns will automatically repeat.

2. Life is a product of the choices we make

In every situation, we are called on to make choices. The choices we make lead to certain outcomes. We then have choices about how to respond to those outcomes. The life we create for ourselves is therefore a product of our choices.

Some people choose to ‘outsource’ the making of choices to others, due to feeling insecure in their own ability, or a belief that others know better. This is in itself represents a choice.

Life coaching promotes a connection with the inner being, that part of us that knows, beyond any doubt, what we are here to achieve and what the best course of action is to do so.

3. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. There are no mistakes, only results.

The beauty of life is that it is perfectly designed to promote learning, growth and evolution. The universe (or the Creator, if you prefer) presents us with a constant stream of challenges.

Some see these as problems, some as opportunities but they are one and the same. They are invitations to learn and grow. We respond to these challenges by making choices that result in outcomes that become a platform for the next set of choices and outcomes.

The external world can be very judgemental of outcomes that do not conform to their expectations, or that clash with their values. These are labelled as ‘failures’ or ‘mistakes’.

However, without what are conventionally regarded as failures and mistakes, we would lack the feedback that makes learning, and resultant personal growth, possible.

4. The response that you get is your responsibility.

This goes to the heart of effective life coaching. It explains why coaches can be seen by some clients as practising ‘tough love’.

When faced with any outcome or situation, in particular one that is less than ideal, we have three generic choices. We can blame someone or something else, we can look to justify why it is not ideal, or we can accept full responsibility, learn from it and move on to make better choices.

In life coaching we promote the principle that if you are not getting the response or outcome you desire, it’s your responsibility to change your approach until you do.

5. The meaning of your communication can be found in the response you receive, not in your intention.

This may raise a few eyebrows, but in these words lies a powerful truth about effective communication.

The fact that you genuinely intend to convey a certain message does not absolve you from the responsibility that comes with an inaccurate interpretation of your message.

Let’s put aside any possibility of malicious distortion or manipulation on the part of the receiver for now. The point is that it is not the receiver’s responsibility to ‘get’ the message as you intended it. It is yours!

This places a responsibility on all who communicate to check how their message is interpreted and to act timeously to correct any misunderstandings. It also places an onus on communicators to do their very best to understand those with whom they wish to communicate.

6. All external behaviour is the result of an internal process.

We behave the way we do for good reason. We are not robots, programmed to respond in a certain way. We are conscious, thinking human beings. That said, we are subject to conditioning throughout our early and formative years.

Some of this conditioning comes from our parents, educators, and even peers, who teach us what to believe and what to value. Then there is self-conditioning. We create associations or patterns between situations or events and their outcomes.

These manifest in our belief systems and internal rules, or conditional beliefs. Some beliefs and rules serve us well, whereas others limit our potential and constitute what life coaches refer to as limiting beliefs.

The point is that the way we choose to behave is informed by an internal process that is driven by our perceptions, beliefs, rules, and values. These contribute to a unique ‘internal map’ that we use to navigate our world.

7. Our perception of reality is not reality. It is, however, real to us.

Each of us is unique. Each of us has been exposed to different circumstances, made different choices, been confronted with different outcomes, and followed up with different choices.

We therefore each have a unique growth experience that has resulted in the development of a unique ‘internal map’.

As we each view and decipher the world using our own unique internal map, it stands to reason that we each perceive the world through a different lens. We call this our reality. But for reasons explained, this may be subtly – or even vastly – different from the reality others experience.

Understanding and accepting this is the key to living a more loving life.

We can trade intolerance for others’ difference and ‘stupidity’, for a love of – or at least respect for – others, based on embracing the realisation that their reality can never match our reality.

8. Flexibility is king. The person with the most behavioural flexibility will control any situation.

As you reflect on the previous assumptions, you may be starting to glean an understanding that most world leaders would do well to heed.

Great leadership comes from an ability to exercise behavioural flexibility. In other words, if an approach is not working, you need to be flexible enough to change and try a different approach.

In your personal life too, it is important to appreciate that different and better results do not come from constantly ‘ploughing the same furrow’.

Your ability to control the production of the outcome you desire is dependent on analysing your past outcomes and having the flexibility to make the necessary changes to your behaviour.