Personal growth can only come from change and to embrace change we need to be aware of – and to be skilled at adapting – the type of conversations we have.
[box type=\”shadow\”]\”The character of a man is known from his conversations.\”
– Menander
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Change – and its effect on the human psyche is something that has always fascinated me.
Some of the biggest challenges that we face today – both organisationally and personally – stem from the hastening pace of change and the ability of people to adapt to it.
Life coaches are, of course, all agents of change but for those who are passionate about it, there is a very large and appealing niche to be pursued in the field of change management.
A powerful insight
On this note, let me share a powerful insight that I learnt about handling change.
It has to do with developing an awareness about why and how we tend to structure our conversations during the different stages of change and how the type of conversation we primarily tend to engage in sets us up for either failure or success.
Conversation of Worst Fears
Very common, when times are tough and/or a major change is looming and we haven\’t yet accepted the necessity of it, let alone embraced it, is the \’conversation of worst fears\’. This is when we talk about just how bad things could get, or what the worst is that could happen and how terrible that would be.
You can enter into a \’conversation of worst fears\’ when something untowards happens to change your life unexpectedly or when confronting change that you deep down desire but superficially fear.
Not long ago I remember getting into a discussion with a group of pensioners who were members of the body corporate overseeing a block of flats in which each had invested.
The subject of the economic recession came up and one man shook his head, saying: \”It will only get a lot worse\”, whereupon the general conversation lurched in a rather depressing direction as those gathered began to offer progressively more chilling views on how bad things could actually get and how dire the future looked.
Likewise, I recall a telephone conversation with a person who was considering training to become a life coach. \”So, what\’s holding you back,\” I asked, only to be told, in graphic detail about all the unsavoury things that could possibly happen if he went ahead and committed to a future that, ironically, he clearly wanted for himself!
Conversation of Possibility
The conversation of possibility is achieved through a subtle shift of mindset. It comes relatively easily to some and remains stubbornly elusive to others, particularly those who find some form of strange relief in mixing with others who share their predictions of doom and gloom.
In the case of the pensioners, I tried valiantly to introduce a conversation of possibility, by reminding them of how the economic crisis had made homes more affordable for their children and grandchildren. One lady took my lead and made a few positive noises but the rest were having nothing of it, preferring to remain mired in their negative talk.
In the case of the prospective life coach trainee, I unashamedly resorted to a life coaching technique, asking \”But if you don\’t make the change now, how will you feel in five year\’s time when you are still doing what you are doing?\” That did the trick. Suddenly the discussion switched into one about the many possible that were open to someone with life coach training.
Conversation of Opportunity
After a long dark night of worst fears, dawn finally arrives and the light – in the guise of a range of new possibilities – starts to flood in. After that, it is not long before the sun comes out and the mist starts to evaporate.
Forgive the metaphor … but can you see that once your conversation turns the corner from worst fears mode into possibilities mode, it\’s only a matter of time before those possibilities start to present themselves as real opportunities for further growth and development.
Call it divine intervention, a universal law or simply the power of the human mind. However you prefer to look at it … it works!
If we concentrate our efforts on thinking of \’what could be\’ for long enough, we soon find ourselves confronted with the opportunities that, if followed, can take us in new, more exciting and more positive directions.
Conversation of Commitment
Being able to engage in conversations of opportunity is a wonderful thing, with all the excitement that accompanies it but to make the transformation from night to day complete it is necessary to enter into conversations of commitment.
These are conversations that are characterised by talk of action, of setting milestones and orchestrating events – doing the things necessary to build a new future by focusing on turning an opportunity into a committed course; bringing about a new reality, if you like.
You may wonder whether, to be successful, you need to engage only in conversations about possibility, opportunity and commitment?
To be honest that would be too much to expect. We all have times when we get sucked into \’worst fears\’ type thinking – the early hours of the morning spring to mind!
Awareness is key
Nonetheless, the key is to be aware of the type of conversations we are having – either in our heads or with others – and to know how to shift from \’worst fears mode\’ in to \’possibility mode\’, then to recognise the opportunities that arise for what they are, be able to embrace the one that resonates with you and commit to the necessary action required to bring it to life.
The story of John
Let me end with a real life example from my time in corporate life.
A colleague of mine, who I\’ll call John (not his real name) was told, completely unexpectedly, that he was to be made redundant.
Within hours of receiving the news a shocked John began his conversation of worst fears – telling anyone who would listen how this would bring about an absolute disaster for his family, given that he had two children at university and a wife who was not working.
I felt for John and later told him a story of another friend who had overcome a similar situation and gone on to become a very successful entrepreneur. I could see this struck a chord with John who asked me a lot of questions. As the week wore on, he slowly extricated himself from the pit of worst fears and began to become more aware of the many possibilities that his imminent redundancy might open up.
It didn\’t take long for John to see the opportunity that had landed in his lap. Before the week was out he had shared with me an amazing business idea that he had had for many years but which he had suppressed while in employment.
Today John is more successful, happy and fulfilled than at any time in the past.
Such a profound text, Bill and so now appropriate. It’s not only what we say and how we act, but who we spend most of our time communicating with that can have either a positive or negative impact on our thinking and actions. I am in a place that is very negative and constantly hear negative conversations. I found myself being pulled into these tremendously, until I realised what was happening in my own life. Choose to ignore or brush aside those negative comments, sift them out to what is important and what is not and then choose to turn them around. There is always a positive in the negative. “Lord help me to change the things I can, and the grace to accept the things I cannot”, but make the most of them all. This will lead to a happier existence, and then as one is happier, the effect is past on to others. I tried this and can honestly say it works. Either that or the negative speakers will no longer share their negative comments because they know it will be turned around.
Best is AVOID those who revel in negativity.
Great reflection Lorraine – thank you.
Those who ‘revel in negativity’ are attracting like minded thinkers simply to build a protective bubble for themselves in order to justify their lack of action to put things right. They do not have the tools or will to see past ‘worst fears’ and glimpse the vast opportunities that exist. They need serious help to take responsibility for their situations.
My lesson (again) for this week was: – It sometimes take a long journey before you realise ” it is better to hope than to despair.” Quote of somebody ? Can’t remember who said it –
Thank you for re-affirming my lesson for the past week!
Thanks Marina!
People often talk about ‘Stimulus’ and ‘Response’ or ‘Cause’ and ‘Effect’…. what is so often forgotten is the word CHOICE. We can choose how we respond to the situations life throws at us. If we consciously practice choosing to look for the possibilities we seriously change our outlook.
Choice … a vital ingredient in a fully empowered life!
Thanks Bill, i found that in my work situation in the townships, the the builders i work with have been so used to being criticized in their work situations, positive reinforcement does wonders to get the best out of them, you have to show them the way.
Thanks Chris. Positive reinforcement is the most powerful motivational tool often misused and abused.
Manner of approach plays a major role and why when how Thanks Bill
🙂
“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change “- wise words from Dr Wayne Dyer. It’s all about how strong one’s desire is to change ,as well as the perspective, or frame of mind with which one approaches both one’s current ,as well as one’s future set of circumstances. Until one’s thoughts, words and actions are synchronized, the courage to bring about positive change is unlikely to emerge. Add to that, a healthy dose of self-belief, and things usually begin to shift.
One of my favourite quotes Karen … and so true! Thanks for your contribution.
HI Bill
I found the piece truly enlightening. As a trainee New Insights Life Coach I have certainly been making a concerted effort to ensure my conversations, both with myself and others centre around opportunities and possibilities. For me however, its the commitment part that derails me often. I become uncontrollably excited about so many possibilities and opportunities in my mind and I find myself jumping around in my head from one idea and its possibilities to the next. As I am only 1/4 way through my training, I would like to know if you this is a common challenge people face?
Thank you
Thanks for this great comment Anton.
Yes, indeed, this is a problem for a number of people who are ‘possibility-oriented’. I hate to say it but difficulty moving beyond possibilities can be due to an underlying fear of commitment, either because it means taking action (which involves work) or because you are concerned about the loss of other potential opportunities.
The important thing is to match the possibilities with your skillset and your desired outcome (or purpose if you know it) and then CHOOSE which opportunity to follow. In making that choice try not to think that you are passing off other good opportunities; rather reason that this is the one that is right for you now and is thus deserving of your full focus. The others can ‘go into cold storage’ until and if you need them. Making a choice is the first step in moving on to commitment which involves the setting of goals, targets and measures and, of course, action!
Good luck!
Thanks Bill, this is a great blog and certainly resonates with me as I continue with my new career as a coach. the company I was with closed and I had a decision to make to go out on my own or find another “job”.
I am going on my own and need to have these positive conversations with myself all the time. As the saying goes practice makes perfect and that applies to all things as I am finding out.
Good for you Geoff.Y our attitude is to be looked up to. May you enjoy an amazing period of growth.
Growing up, something my mum often used to say was:
“Let your words be sweet, you might have to swollow them”
Bill, really love the way you invest your time and efforts to keep people motivated and focused on how we can grow daily!! Such a blessing!!
Thanks Rika!
Soo true ! Our joy is connected to our mouth (Prov.8:6,7; Prov.15:22; Prov.18:20,21.. (we have to eat our words) 😉
I like that !
Wow, great read and inspirational. Often we easily say “change is the only constant” but when it’s time to embrace it we change our tune. Thank you Bill for another important insight and reminder to be mindfull of the words of our mouth even in this regard.
You’re welcome Nomase
Sometimes inspiration just arrives when you need it most….thanks for yours Bill…..along with my favourite saying ….”You can dooooo it!!!”
I’m glad the timing worked for you 🙂
Practice is the key I have found Bill. We can all too easily find ourselves trailing off into a myriad of negative thoughts which are taking us into an old familiar direction. The challenge is when this happens to be aware of it, to stop it, then change course and look for the positives in every situation.
I have recently been off work with a virus feeling pretty unwell and I naturally try to lift my spirits . I had two phone calls in a matter of ten minutes, one was from my Mother who was saying how I may want to cry if I feel that unwell. I pointed out that this type of conversation was not helpful to me. The second call was a secretary who I had rung to cancel my coaching appointments for that afternoon as I wasn’t well.
She didn’t know me so I began to describe my appearance to her. Then all of a sudden she said. “I know who you are, you are that really lovely person I have seen in the building, you are so warm and friendly now I know your name I will never forget it”
How wonderful Bill and just the tonic I needed . Two very different people.One who had a positive impact and the other my own Mother who if I had chosen to let her could have had a negative impact.
Whilst we don’t have control over what happens to us in life sometimes .We do have the power to allow or not allow individuals comments into our consciousnesses.
Annette