One thing I love about the life coaching industry is how it is filled with people who are passionate about improving their own lives and those of others. The great majority of people I interact with are authentic, friendly and accommodating.
Nonetheless, even in this wonderful business, one comes up against \’difficult\’ people from time to time – and in many businesses and walks of life dealing with \’difficult people\’ can seem like more the rule than the exception.
[box type=\”shadow\”]\”Think of difficult people as your teacher, not your enemy.\”
– Unknown[/box]
For those of you who feel you have more that your fair share of difficult people to deal with let me offer four tips aimed at helping make your lives a little easier.
TIP 1: Think \’challenging\’ not \’difficult\’
In life coaching, it\’s common knowledge that when a coach starts to gain the impression that a client is being \’difficult\’ it is, more often than not, a good indication that the coaching method or approach needs to change.
You see, labelling someone as \’difficult\’ is judgemental and often says more about the person doing the labelling than the one being labelled.
To condition yourself to think of someone you deal with as \’challenging\’ rather than \’difficult\’, puts the onus back on you to solve that challenge rather than allow you to blame your frustration on the other person.
You will immediately derive benefits by shifting your mental attitude from something like this:
\”Dealing with this client is really frustrating. I find his/her attitude/behaviour really irritating\” to something like this:
\”Dealing with this client requires real skill. This is a serious challenge that will help me grow.\”
Adopt the former attitude and you cede your power or ability to act positively on the situation. Adopt the latter mentality, however, and you will be taking ownership of the problem and allowing yourself to make thoughtful choices about how to handle it in a professional way.
And that brings me to tip number two:
TIP 2: Don\’t react, Act!
When you\’re under stress, it\’s easy to be drawn into reacting angrily to emails, text messages or even spoken comments that strike you as insensitive, provocative or even threatening.
By reacting off the cuff you may derive some short-term relief but the downside is that by doing so you\’re likely to exacerbate the situation!
In most cases, reacting, on the spur of the moment, to a person or situation you find difficult, frustrating or annoying, is a bit like trying to dowse a glowing ember with petrol!
A spontaneous reaction is simply an unthinking response to your own internal emotions. Unthinking responses can be dangerous. By adopting the premise that someone or something else is responsible for how you feel, you give your power away rather than take the opportunity to channel it, positively, into finding a solution.
\’Counting to Ten\’, taking \’time out\’ or \’sleeping\’ on the issue is always a good idea as it will allow you time and space to come to terms with why your emotional hackles have been raised, what responsibility you have for that and what alternatives are available to you.
When you have thought it through and are ready, then it\’s time to take appropriate, fully conscious, action!
TIP 3: Act with tolerance, calmness and compassion
Tip number three takes a leaf out of olden day prophets like Jesus, Mohammed and Buddah – and more modern icons like Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Mandela – all of whom had a profoundly positive impact on the people they dealt with.
Next time you encounter a \’difficult\’ person, try this for a strategy: Reciprocate with (authentic) kindness and compassion!
Once you understand that you have control over the disturbance you are feeling inside, you can resolve to remain calm and collected and reach out in a state of grace. In all likelihood you will be amazed and delighted by the reaction you get. And even if you don\’t, you\’ll feel better about yourself.
If you are a man reading this you might find this a little more difficult to swallow than our friends of the fairer gender.
We men are more programmed to \’fight fire with fire\’ and often perceive a gentler approach to any perceived form of provocation or confrontation to be a sign of weakness.
Sorry guys, but nothing could be further from the truth!
And here\’s my final tip…
TIP 4: Commit to grow through the experience
My first tip was to change the way you perceive of \’difficult\’ people or situations and start to view them as personal challenges.
Difficulties that you experience in life are there for one important purpose – to provide you with opportunities for growth.
People who confront and deal with challenges in life are those who experience self-growth. And self growth is what makes life rewarding and meaningful.
A new approach
So, the next time some really difficult person steps into your life, take a whole new approach …
Smile, relish the challenge and embrace the opportunity you have been afforded for some personal growth!
Beautiful article, as always Bill. Easy to know what we “should’ be doing, but difficult to take charge of emotions that spill out of us. Especially if the topic being discussed is very close to your heart…then the deep breath before responding is a good one. (or to ue Stephen Coveys words- press the PAUSE button before responding!)
Yes. I have a twenty minute rule that I try to apply to emails that at first appear to cause offence. My delayed response is often very different from my initial spur of the moment reaction!
Thanks for that. I work in a rehab centre and every day i am challenge by the demands and selfishness of people. I too get frustrated and more often then not i say, “these people are impossible!” But if i can train myself to adapt this kind of perspective it would almost be fun to meet the challenge!
It’s certainly worth a try Tammy and may add a new dimension to your job 🙂
Thanks what a blessed end of my day. God bless.
Thanks Bill and I guess it is a case of also practicing what we preach, so to speak, i.e. projection.
As you so rightly say we need to stop and think, be sure we are getting the right message and act with careful thought and reflection.
Hi Bill!
Dealing with difficult people is an art and I truly admire the 4 steps you have strategically posted on this blog update. I always say when someone is being difficult in dealing with them tactfully let them have ground to voice their difficulty because in no time you will find what it is that is giving them a challenge.
Thank you very much.
You’re most welcome Kingdom.
Thank you for this amazing insight, coming just at the right moment, I have a challenging situation at work with my team, leaving me with a question of do I manage or lead them. I recently read in a document relating to managing conflict at work that people create such challenges and frustrations because they are lacking in a certain area, again making me think of the 5 love languages. These points and what Bill has laid out above makes absolute sense by taking another approach by feeding those persons according to their emotional needs and then coach them by assisting the growth of their self esteem.
So thanks Bill…your Insights are extremely welcome.
Thanks for your thought provoking comments Vivienne 🙂
Thank you for these thought provoking guidelines, Bill. It is always helpful to practise empathy by first placing oneself in the shoes of the other person (before reacting). The key to effective communication and to building a harmonious and workable relationship, is to learn the art of PAUSING and then RESPONDING virtuously ( think of the virtues such as love, patience, kindness, compassion, tolerance, understanding ), rather than REACTING emotionally, as most of us tend to do.
Perfectly put Karen!
Very to the point and inspiring indeed, thank you. In the context of Projection, I myself aim to take away my focus from the other person’s behaviour (or at least how I perceive it) and I ask myself: why have I attracted this person in my life right now? What hidden gift is s/he offering? Sometimes it is indeed the opportunity for one or more of the above. But sometimes it also helps me to reach an empowering place in myself, where I say: ‘No more! I do not have to accept this and even if the situation cannot be resolved, I will now stand by my boundaries.’ Then, when I do make that choice, the whole dynamic of the situation changes, as if it was waiting for me to take that step. Very mysterious . . .
Great thoughts Arjan. You’re quite right – the important thing is to engage in a thinking response rather than an unthinking one!
Thanks Bill. This piece has come at just the right time for me. I have a current potentially volatile situation with one of my clients. I must really have done some growing up the past few months becuase I delayed my reaction/action to what was being levelled against/at me. I was boiling and itching to ‘vindicate’ myself but a part of me that said I must sleep on it prevailed. I prayed and meditated on this and I’m in a good place now. This afternoon I’m meeting with them and I can handle it I believe. I’m really proud for the growth strides I’m achieving. Thanks for such articles.
I’m delighted this came to you so timeously, Zandi, and I’m proud of your approach. Good luck!
Thank you Bill for a very informative piece. You have assisted me shift my paradigm when encountered/dealing with so called ‘difficult people or situations’. A point of collection though as much as Jesus the ‘Great I Am’ (meaning He can be whatever we perceive Him to be.) He was more God of gods in this instance than a Prophet. A point we finite beings tend to forget more often than not.
Have a blessed and insightful day.
Njoroge Wanjigi
I like the use of the term ‘paradigm shift’ Njoroge – very appropriate 🙂
Agree and thanks for this wisdom. Might I pose a question? Are there not some people who undoubtedly through fear and insecurity, test others incessantly and ‘pip you at every post’ so to speak. Certainly when working with very disturbed people I found a compassionate approach often helps them drop their defences and sometimes switch to a more constructive way of relating with others. But not everyone responds in this way- a few individuals simply need to have very clear limits put to them in terms of the level of treatment you expect as a human being yourself. Admittedly very few, but they are around and I’m concerned that people actually put up with abuse for far too long in an attempt to be compassionate and kind. Sorry, not trying to dampen things but have been quite badly stung in the past 🙂
Thanks for your views Roberta. I think Arjan’s comment – and my response – is worth looking at in this regard 🙂
Of course, boundaries! As well as a thinking response rather than an instant reaction. It occurs to me now too that learning from past experience will assist in a more constructive and informed thinking response. I don’t know how I missed that, thank you.
Great post Bill 🙂
One mans difficult is another mans fastidious
Neil
Yes, it comes down to perspective, doesn’t it!
This is an excellent post Bill, great advice and thanks for sharing you insights with us.
My pleasure!
This sounds like a close relative and over the years and with the help of life coaching, I have adopted exactly these 4 tips and I know that this person challenges me every day and as a result I have learnt to be more tolerant and patient and own the challenge giving me my power back. I will alwaus be grateful to this person for making me grow into a better person as a result of them being incredibly difficult!
The proof of the pudding … Thanks Charmaine!