This week’s article draws inspiration from an issue that is regularly brought up by some of our trainee life coaches … clients who just don’t seem to know what it is they want from life.
You see, life coaches are specially trained to help their clients crystallise and then realise their goals and dreams.
So what happens during the goal setting session when the client is asked to give details on what it is they really want from life and he or she stares back blankly and says: “I just don’t know!”?
“Life is the sum of all your choices.”
– Albert Camus
A common occurrence
Actually, this is a common occurrence and it has nothing to do with lack of ambition, or a brain full of disconnected synapses. It has everything to do with confusion and a feeling of powerlessness in the face of life’s daily onslaught.
During our formative years we are primarily taught, not how to create the lives we truly want, but how to respond to life and its many challenges.
Strategies for responding to life
We are taught about the way life was, is and is likely to be. We are appraised of the many ‘speed bumps’, ‘potholes’ and cul de sacs that we are likely to face on our journeys and we are offered sage advice and strategies from those who have travelled the ‘highway of life’ for responding to life – coping with and minimizing the impact of these obstacles.
Rather strangely though, very few of us are ever educated on how to deviate from accepted norms and follow our own ‘less travelled’ yet infinitely more exciting (and yes, challenging) roads through life.
An underdeveloped capacity
The crux of my argument is that most of us are used to looking externally for the answers to our most crucial questions. Our capacity to look inwardly for those answers – not to mention trust in the answers we get – is decidedly underdeveloped.
The result is often a feeling of great confusion as we try to process the various pieces of advice that we have sought and been offered against the backdrop of the conventional wisdom that we have learnt. All the while a naggingly irritating inner voice may seem to be pushing another agenda altogether!
Defaulting to the path of least resistance
What to do, in the face of this confusion, becomes impossible to fathom.
The default response, in the belief that we are powerless to affect the outcome, is to take the the path of seemingly least resistance – ‘go with the flow’ in the hope that a magical guiding light will suddenly appear from somewhere to show us the way.
The coach’s role
So what is the coach’s role when dealing with a client that “just doesn’t know” what he or she wants?
Some inexperienced life coaches think that it is their duty to be the guiding light in their clients’ lives but, though well-intentioned, this approach is misguided and bound to fail simply because it reinforces in the client the notion that “the answer is out there.”
Techniques to connect with the inner voice
The experienced coach knows that the best approach is to employ techniques that will help the client to connect with, trust and act decisively on his or her all-knowing inner voice.
A small step in the right direction will give way to something of a virtuous cycle.
Once you act on your inner voice and reap the rewards of such action, you start to trust in your own ability to manifest what you want …
… And then, what you really want quickly becomes beautifully apparent!
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Hi Bill
How true! you know for some reason I have discovered that as people we are very scared of ourselves and so we hardly approach ourselves for answers but the right environment does naturally bring out what we want the most out of life and mix that with a bit of patience and what great results you get so I personally think sometimes one needs to get a feel of what the client wants and reflect it back to the client…. Patience though! Thanx Bill, great topics!
Thanx Bill, what a nice and life changing article it is! And i’ve realised that it is not that we do not know what we want to do or rather what we want for life, but we fear to say it because we afraid of the world. So thnx and looking forward to read more and more inspiring articles.
Fear is a very destructive emotion but one that is, sadly, very commonplace amongst us, because of our heavy reliance on the (unreliable) external world!
Best wishes!
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Thanks Bill. For me,the love list is very powerful. If you know what you love, what fills your being, its a great place to start and expand. action+ traction = attraction.
Being in action of filling your life with more of what you love, moves you in the direction of you want. You got to make the list though! Pen to paper- think it, ink it, do it, review it! 🙂
Inspiring thoughts – thanks Renee!
Wonderful article. I’m struggling with several these issues.
One way is to get them to brainstorm, slice by slice, each of the elements of the life wheel. Another is to ask what they wanted to be when young (eg airhostess) and then why (travel) and then see what can be used to enable them eg travel job, redirect funds for travel, make a goal of travel while you plan and save….and so on.
Another thing is the very useful question – if time, money and responsibility were no barrier, what would you really really like to do?
Wendy
this is a good article, a good reminder to live proactively as opposed to taking the sometimes conditioned approach, fueled by fear/guilt/duty or force. when i look around and inward, i sadly see us people surviving more than living. intuition is a sea of creativity and wisdom and i agree that when we tap into our innerpart, there is just no going back.
“Surviving more than living” – absolutely – what a shame!
Thank you.
How do you manage the time issue then? I find when people are sorting out their rpriorities I never finish in an hour and a half. It’s very rewarding when they finally realise what they want and where they want to go but very time-consuming.
Hi Jackie, there are some interesting discussions on The Forum about this. Take a look.
Best wishes
At times, it can be a real art to want what we have rather than to have what we want. This, indeed, requires an inner shift, so that when it comes to setting goals, those goals can be more inwardly focused, such as nurturing gratitude, letting go of the fear that there is not enough and developing an inner stability and freedom amidst the many appearances of life. Often we know exactly what we want, we just don’t know that we do.
Thank you Bill, for these wonderfully stimulating esays every week. I am amazed at your continued creativity.
Yes – it is a typical 21st century issue that we want something until we have it – then we no longer want it!
Thanks for your insights.
If we search for the light afar, we will keep on searching. We are the light of the world. The Light is within us. If we focus our hearing for a voice from outside, we will grow deaf and only then we might hear the Voice that is within us. Believe in your own good principles, then act on your thoughts. If you don’t act, you’ll never know. Just do it, you might be surprised. Be true to yourself … just listen, do and enjoy.
Thanks Bill – good write up.
‘I don’t know ‘ is often an all too common response.
I believe that inately – our purpose in Life is among other things ‘to be happy’ – this in itself has many dimensions to its attainment as the quest for ‘happiness’ revolves around an inner journey – will power, hard work, dogged determination and the insight to resolve to overcome all obstacles …until you have obtaained ..your goal ..while all the while practicing and operating in the spirit of love…for yourself and for life.’ Regards ; Faisal
Hi Faisal,
I agree about the generic purpose in life. If only we could collectively embrace this!
Best wishes
Thank you Bill, it is so true!
I have had a couple of clients who have had ‘I don’t know’ moments. By the end of ‘brainstorming’, and if the coach gives enough time for the clients to process thoughts, then light-bulb moments invariably occur that can surprise the client. Hey presto, they have focus and genuine excitement in moving forward with their lives through coaching. Very powerful.