Rules for Success

Success! It’s something we all yearn for. But what exactly is it and why do so many of us find it so hard to achieve?

The answer lies partly in the way we define ‘success’. You can read my thoughts on this in a previous post titled The Secret to Success.

It also has a lot to do with the rules we set for allowing ourselves to feel successful.

Values and rules for experiencing them

Each of us, consciously or not so consciously, lives by a set of values that we desire to experience on a regular basis and which generally guide our actions and behaviours.

When and how we allow ourselves to experience the feelings associated with those values, is dependent on the rules we set. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?

Well yes, but the problem is that most of us set the bar really high – far too high, in fact. And when we don’t allow ourselves to connect with the values we aspire to the result is often anguish, frustration and inadequacy.

For most of us ‘Success’ in some form or other is pretty high up on our values list. We aspire to be successful in what we do and to relish the experience of success. And yet we sabotage our chances by setting burdensome and often impractical rules.

Let me offer you two (fictional) examples:

Sue

Sue puts great value on a loving relationship and yet she has been struggling to find genuine romance in her life since her divorce, six years ago. Now, she has all but given up on finding a partner who will provide her with the love and affection she desires. She finds it difficult to shake off feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness about the future.

Jared

Jared\’s great love in life is football. He has great talent and dreams of turning professional. But despite his passion for the game he feels frustrated about his progress. He has growing doubts about his own abilities that are making him question his dream and wonder whether to throw in the towel.

Victims of their own rules

In these examples, both Sue and Jared are unwittingly the victims of their own uncompromising rules for success.

Sue has embraced a number of unwritten rules about loving relationships that are hampering her ability to feel happy:

\”If I am to experience a loving relationship, then I must have a full time partner.\”
\”If a man really loves me then he will call me at least three times a day.\”
\”If someone I meet really likes me and wants to develop a relationship with me then he will tell me that I am really special.\”

Likewise, Jared:
\”If I am as talented as people say, then I would have been offered a professional contract by now.\”
\”If I am to be successful as a professional footballer then I have to give up everything else in my life and work harder at it.\” \”
If I don\’t score at least one goal in every game I play this season, then I will never achieve my dream.\”

Can you see how difficult both Sue and Jared have made it for themselves to feel successful?

Their success – and happiness – is largely dependent on some unlikely event or someone else\’s actions, that they have no control over.

Does this ring any bells for you?

Disempowering beliefs

Take a closer look at the rules or \”If … then\” statements in the examples above.

You may notice that they are simply disempowering personal beliefs that are couched in conditional language. And, just as negative beliefs can be replaced with positive beliefs, overbearing rules can be replaced with simple yet empowering rules.

Re-engineering your rules for success

Simply by taking stock of what your rules are for feeling success (whether that be in a loving relationship, in professional football or in anything else for that matter) and \’re-engineering\’ those rules, you can immediately start to feel happy, joyful and upbeat again.

Rules should be formulated in a way that puts you in control and makes it easy for you to feel great.

Let\’s take a look at a couple of helpful rules that Sue and Jared could adopt:

Sue:

\”Anytime I strike up a conversation with another person I feel loving.\”
“Whenever I smile at a man I like I feel warm and loving.\”
\”Anytime I look in the mirror I feel proud about the warm and loving nature of the person staring back at me.\”

Jared:

\”Anytime I put my football boots on I feel pride in my talent and passion for the game.: “Whenever I take a break from the game, I am restoring my energy and commitment to reach my dream.\”
“Whenever I score a goal, I feel my self belief surge and my dream come closer.\”

Can you see the difference?

Gone are the difficult and restrictive \”If … then …” dependencies, replaced with simple, powerful, non restrictive statements of intent, starting with “Anytime I …” and “Whenever I …”

Suddenly, success – and happiness – are easily and readily achievable!

Please try this for yourself and – take it from me – this works wonderfully well!

[If this post caught your interest and you\’d like to read more about how we set rules for feeling our values please click here].