The Art of Communication

Whenever I think of the importance of good communication in our day to day lives, I am reminded of the following powerful quotes that a local magistrate used recently, upon convicting a well known politician of  indulging in \’hate speech\’.

[box type=\”shadow\”]\”Be wary of turning into a man that often speaks but never talks.\”

– Oliver Wendell Homes

\”Words are the clothes that thoughts wear, only the clothes.\”

– Samuel Butler
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The key to prosperity

We devote an entire module of the New Insights Life Coach Training Programme to the theme of  Communication – and rightly so. Effective communication is not only vital to our ability to survive but it holds the key to our prosperity and enjoyment of life.

A two-way exchange

What is inherent and obvious – but, surprisingly, lost on many people and organisations when it comes to discussing the nature of effective communication – is the fact that it is very much a two-way thing.

At it’s most basic level communication is simply an exchange of information between two or more people or groups of people.

The art of good communication lies in trying to ensure that the meaning that is assigned to a message by the receiving party matches that intended by the sender.

Easier said than done!

Distorting influences

The communication process is a surprisingly intricate one. Any information exchange between a sender and a receiver takes place in an environment that is characterised by an extraordinary number of distorting influences.

Quite apart from the occasional disruptions caused by technology and the environment there is an array of distorting influences that can wreak havoc on the integrity of a message with the result that the receiver\’s interpretation can be different – sometimes dramatically so – from the sender\’s intent.

Perceptible influences

Perceptible influences include the sender’s body language, tone of voice, chosen medium for communication, actual language used, timing of the communication, cultural customs, and so on and so on.

Imperceptible influences

What I call the \’imperceptible influences\’ happen on the inside – in the minds – of both the sender and, more specifically, the receiver. These include personal values, beliefs, mood and the degree of trust, integrity and regard that each party has for the other. Precisely because these influences are hidden, they are often more insidious in their effect.

Eliciting feedback

Effective communicators know all about the dangers of distorting influences and they always seek to elicit feedback from those who they communicate with in order to test whether the intent of the message was correctly interpreted.

Though attempting to close the communication loop is an admirable pursuit, it does not always provide reliable results.

Come Dine With Me is a popular TV series that regularly illustrates my point.

Five complete strangers agree to test their culinary skills on each other over the course of five evenings. Each day one of the participants hosts a three course dinner while the other four secretly score their efforts. On the final day the winner, who receives a cash prize, is revealed.

The cash prize induces some contestants to indulge in deliberately distorting their communications and the effect can get quite messy and acrimonious.

I find it fascinating to compare what the participants say to their hosts while they are dining, with what they say, in private, to the cameras. For example, the host might ask one of the guests how they are enjoying the starter. \”Oh, it\’s really great, full of flavour,\” comes the answer. Then later, when interviewed alone by the cameraman, the same guest will answer the same question with: \”It was undercooked and tasteless. Quite frankly, I wouldn\’t serve it to my dog!\”

Samuel Butler\’s quotation about words being the clothes that thoughts wear is so apt in this case. Depending on the circumstances, what we think and what we say, or write, are often two very different things.

Let\’s put Come Dine With Me and other scenarios that encourage deliberate message manipulation aside and deal with the more common situation in which both sender and receiver have authentic intentions.

Further complications in the \’communications jungle\’

We\’re not out of the \’communications jungle\’ yet thanks to the process of filtering that occurs at the receiving end. Here\’s an example…

Dawn, recently married, is at home looking forward to her husband, Peter, returning from the office so they can enjoy the romantic meal out that they have planned to celebrate their first anniversary.

The phone rings and Peter has bad news: \”I\’m terribly sorry, my love, but the boss has insisted I stay on to complete the XYZ proposal that has to be delivered to the client tomorrow. It still needs a few hours of work and I\’m the only one who can do it, I\’m afraid. I don\’t have another option.\”

Peter\’s message is genuine. He feels sad that he can\’t make the dinner appointment and resolves to make it up to Dawn at a later date. Dawn, on the other hand, subconsciously filters the message through her system of ingrained beliefs.

Dawn\’s mother and father divorced when she was a teenager as her mother caught her father having an affair.

\”Men are all the same,\” her mother would say. \”They can\’t help it, they are programmed to be unfaithful.\”

At university, Dawn\’s flatmate and best friend was distraught when her boyfriend left her suddenly for another girl. This experience served to reinforce the seed of male distrust planted by her mother and before she knew it Dawn, herself started to believe that no man could be trusted around other women.

As Dawn contemplates Peter\’s message she remembers back to the golf day that Peter\’s company put on some weeks ago and the attractive new sales lady that Peter introduced her to. Putting one and one together and making five, Dawn reasons that Peter must be having a fling.

Needless to say, when Peter does arrive home, close to midnight, all hell breaks loose!

A few simple suggestions

Given the minefield of distorting influences – from the more obvious to the totally hidden – that can ruin our best attempts at communicating effectively, what should we do to improve, if not master, this tricky art?

Here are a few simple suggestions to start with:

Stay aware
There is no such thing as the perfect communicator but one thing that can make all the difference between effective and ineffective communication is the level of awareness that you maintain about the how the communications process works, what distorts communication and how you can minimise and/or counter such distortion.

Respect uniqueness
Have respect and appreciation for the fact that every individual is totally unique (thank heavens … imagine the opposite!) Each one of us has different life experiences, values and beliefs about life that shape our views and affect how we interpret information.

Take responsibility
When you initiate a communication, accept that you are responsible for how that communication is received. Get feedback, question, test to see that what you intended with your communication is what is being read into it. If not, then change your message or the way you are communicating.

Wear the other\’s shoes
Make a real effort to understand the person or persons with whom you are communicating. \’Step into their shoes\’ and try to appreciate what their \’map of the world\’ looks like and how your message might be received by them.

Listen generously
Allow space for a decent two way interaction to happen. Listen generously, and talk thoughtfully.

Be authentic
Be authentic when you want to convey an important message. In other words, be honest and sincere. If you can\’t be honest and sincere, it may be better not to say anything!

Be patient
If a message elicits negative emotions in you, restrain yourself from reacting on the spur of the moment. Take a deep breath, count to fifty, or sleep on it, while you think about how your own belief system may be distorting the message. Compile a response thoughtfully, giving the benefit of doubt to the other.