When last did you feel really, really listened to?
Does it feel, more and more, as if people around you, even those close to you, are only listening to you superficially and with their own agenda in mind?
There can be little doubt that the effectiveness of interpersonal communication has taken a serious knock since the advent of what I like to call the ‘sound bite’ world that we live in today.
Social media, text messaging and the hand-held personal devices—with their teeny weeny keypads—that dominate our lives, have removed much of the context, richness, and intonation that used to characterise our communications.
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Waning authentic interest
In my opinion, it is the level of authentic interest that we show in each other during such communications that has been worst affected.
Authentic interest is demonstrated by the tandem acts of listening and questioning that carefully and respectfully unlock information about the other person.
The remote ‘sound bite’ style communication that has become such an intrinsic part of our lives has made this extremely challenging.
Questions, asked without the necessary context or body language to show well-meaning curiosity, can seem cold and even invasive, whereas listening ceases to be a factor.
The irony of so-called ‘active’ listening
The term ‘active listening’ was coined, relatively recently, to try to promote the importance of listening in interpersonal communications.
I guess that, whoever came up with the term, intended it to mean listening that requires a conscious—or ‘active’—effort.
Unfortunately, in my opinion, the originator of this term unwittingly undermined the true notion of what it means to listen effectively, that is, to deliberately assume the passive role in a communication exchange.
Effective listening involves acknowledging the active party in the engagement by taking in, absorbing and seeking to understand the authentic meaning and intent of the information being shared. By definition, that’s a passive role, albeit a very important one.
Generous listening
At New Insights, we prefer to use the term ‘generous listening’ to describe this.
To listen generously is to listen with the intent to understand the other, not to formulate a response or reclaim the active role as communicator.
Listening to acknowledge, understand and appreciate is an act of generosity towards the one you are speaking with. It demonstrates genuine interest and a willingness to try to put yourself in their shoes.
Selfish listening
The opposite—and sadly far more commonly practised form nowadays— is selfish listening. This is listening with half an ear, while thinking of an interruption or response that will steer the conversation back to more comfortable territory—you, your life and your perspective on life.
Mastering the art
Mastering the art of generous listening is vital for those who aspire to become great life coaches.
Despite what many people assume, life coaching does not involve sharing wisdom, mentoring, or providing advice on how to live one’s life.
Life coaching and generous listening
Life coaching involves developing a deep knowledge and understanding about one’s clients, seeing life from their perspective, helping them to overcome self-imposed obstacles and limitations, and providing them with tools and techniques to unleash their inner power to bring about desired change.
Generous listening used in combination with deep, yet caring questioning is the primary tool that the life coach uses to achieve this.
With selfish listening dominating modern-day communications, many of us are left feeling unheard, or believing that we are listened to only superficially, even by friends and family. We hanker after someone that will take a genuine interest in understanding who we truly are, what drives us and what we really want from life.
Help is at hand
The great news is that help is at hand.
A good life coach is there to listen to you—really listen to you— get to know and understand you, help you see yourself for the powerhouse you truly are, and work with you to devise a plan to get you on track to live your best life!
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What an inspiring blog, Bill. Thank you. The clarity with which you describe life coaching is so powerfully accurate and convincing. In my view, it is an honour and a privilege to serve humankind as an accredited New Insights Life Coach.
Thank you Karen!
Thanks for highlighting this, Bill!
I see this happening all the time where people aren’t really listening to others or interrupting rather than listening.
Have been totally guilty of this myself, but have been making a conscious effort to listen generously, in order to absorb and digest information, and hold off responding until the other person has finished talking.
Thanks Rhona. It takes conscious effort, and many people are only inclined to make that conscious effort when they feel it is being reciprocated … so the vicious cycle ensues!
Thank you so much for an excellent article on “generous listening”!!
As a lay counsellor with Lifeline for 17 years, I can say with confidence how true and important it is to really, really listen “generously” to what people are telling you and to pick up on the emotions which they display. Whether you are a counsellor or a coach, having “patience” is also a key attribute required when interacting with your clients!
Hi Neil. It’s great to hear from you again! Thanks for your endorsement of the article.