Towards More Effective Communication: The 20-Second Rule

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In the New Insights Life Coach Training and Certification Programme, we devote an entire module to the topic of communication.

Deservedly so, I might add.

That’s because the way we communicate has a fundamental impact on our ability to live more meaningful and fulfilling lives.

It’s worth letting that statement sink in for a while.

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Something we take for granted

You see, communication is something we take for granted. It’s something we do all day, every day, in some form or another, so we tend to do it without consciously thinking about it, and whether we could do it more effectively.

I’d like to explore this a little more and then offer a really simple suggestion that I have personally found to be incredibly powerful in improving one’s communication.

No second thought

Communication is happening all the time, all around us, in our daily lives. It’s a little bit like eating, drinking and moving around. We do it a lot, both out of necessity and for social purposes. It comes naturally and, generally speaking, we don’t give it a second thought.

But when we do take the time to delve more deeply into the art of communication, we reap rich rewards.

A highly complex concept

It turns out that communication is a highly complex concept.

Essentially, it involves a sharing of information, frequently between two people, but sometimes in group situations.

When prompted to think about communication, some form of spoken conversation will likely come to mind for most of us. But communication can take many forms and involve many different styles, formats and channels.

Communications issues we face

One of the issues we face in the modern-day world is a dramatic shift away from the use of the spoken word, with its richness of content and tone, to the rather one dimensional written word.

Another issue is the increasing trend towards message brevity and language shortcuts. This can be blamed on information overload caused by global Internet connectivity and the proliferation of social media channels, and is driving up the propensity for misunderstandings.

The greatest challenge

However, the greatest challenge we face in communicating effectively, lies within each of us.

We are all unique individuals. No two people have been shaped by the exact same upbringing, education, environment, events and experiences. Likewise, no two people share the exact same creative imagination.

Shaping forces

To keep things simple, I’m going to call the outcome of all these shaping forces, a ‘mindset’, though in coaching we often use the term ‘internal map’, or ‘worldview’.

When people communicate, they do so from the unique perspective of their individual mindsets. This may seem obvious, but the implications are easily and frequently overlooked.

In writing this article I naturally expect that you will decipher the information I am sharing with you in the way that I intend for you to do.

The mindset as a filter

However, because of our uniquely different mindsets, that expectation is by no means a given. The mindset you bring to reading this post will tend to act as a filter, through which you pass the intended message. The result of this filtering is your own unique interpretation of what I am attempting to convey to you.

One way to minimise any distortion that occurs during filtering is by focusing due care and attention on what one is saying or writing. Unfortunately, as you can imagine, most of the superficial, ‘sound byte’ style communication that we engage in nowadays, tends to lack that care and attention.

The secret to effective communication

The secret to becoming a more effective communicator is to take to heart the issue of unique mindsets that I have discussed.

Pausing briefly to bring this into your conscious awareness, before firing off a communication, or a response to someone else’s communication, can do wonders.

The 20-second rule

I like to call this the 20-second rule, and it has served me well over the years.

When you have something important to communicate, or when you receive a communication that you judge to be important, pause for just 20 seconds while you remind yourself that the meaning (or interpretation) given to any communication depends on the mindset with which it is received.

Adopt the other’s perspective

In other words, you need to be proficient at ‘wearing the shoes’ of the person you are communicating with. That’s not an easy thing to do, but it is something that can be worked at.

When you take a little time to try and appreciate the perspective of another, you are more likely to adapt the tone and content of your message to suit. You are also less likely to react with undue emotion to an incoming communication, something you may well regret at a later stage.

Reactive communications harm relationships

Having worked in many demanding and stressful environments during my days in corporate employment, I am well aware of the damage that can be done to relationships by reactive communicators.

I’m sure I am not alone in having received communications that have irked me badly, causing an instant desire to react in kind to what I perceived to be rudeness, sarcasm, or stupidity, perhaps.

Applying the 20-second rule has allowed me to step back from the brink of shooting off a tit-for-tat response; one that might have had a seriously detrimental effect on an important relationship.

In some cases, I would use the 20 seconds to take a few deep breaths and resolve to sleep on my response.

A less self-centric approach

In retrospect, I’ve always been glad that I took that approach. It allows the emotion of the moment to dissipate and provides an opportunity to adopt a less self-centric approach.

By indulging in some careful thought about the other person and their likely mindset, one often arrives at a very different interpretation of the message – or at the very least, a desire to seek further clarity.

And that’s always a good thing!

Did you enjoy this article?

Most of what is written about in this Blog derives, or is extracted from, the widely acclaimed and internationally accredited New Insights Life Coach Training and Certification Programme.

If you have an interest in broadening your life skills and training to become a life coach, please visit our main website. Navigate from Become a Life Coach in the menu bar.

6 thoughts on “Towards More Effective Communication: The 20-Second Rule”

  1. I really enjoyed listening to this thank you Bill.
    It reminded me of the 8 Power Questions.
    “Who loves me?” – Sometimes people ask questions and I feel irritated, it just dawned upon me, it is many times because they love me.
    “What can I do to have a fantastic day?” – Listen more carefully 🙂
    I have learned today!
    Thank again.

  2. What a worthwhile topic, Bill. Thank you. The ability to communicate effectively is crucial in facilitating clarity and understanding in our personal and professional lives. It is a skill that is enhanced by effective listening and the cultivation of patience. Brevity, which is often driven by impatience, often results in misunderstandings, especially when one uses social media as a form of communication.

  3. What a topic, the 20seconds rule and sleeping on it part which most of don’t possess, are the cornerstones of living a peaceful and creating good relationships with others and saving most people their jobs. Most people lost their jobs and relationships because of lack of communication skills and self centric approach. I’m hoping to pass this important message to my colleagues and create a harmonious working environment…you’ve just changed my life with thus amazing topic!

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