Communication Top Tips

There’s no getting away from it … the level of happiness and fulfillment you experience is directly linked to your ability to communicate effectively with those you interact with.

It is true that life coaching focuses on helping people to ‘go within’ to connect with their special talents, strengths and abilities and bring these to the fore. But this is just one side of the coin. Helping clients to relate and interact with their external worlds more effectively is the other.

[box type=\”shadow\”]\”The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.\”

– George Bernard Shaw[/box]

A complex subject

Communication is a complex subject and something that can only be touched on in a brief article like this.

Nonetheless, I’d like to offer you five of my top tips for becoming a truly effective communicator:

1. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

You may be wondering what Newton’s third law of motion has to do with communications prowess!

This is a tip that I learnt about in corporate life.

I think it’s a great analogy for what happens when you try too hard to force your message on your audience without first finding out where they are coming from.

You get resistance!

And the harder you try, the more resistance you will get.

You must understand that all communications are two-way interactions. If you fail to realise this and think that by simply issuing a communication you will get the results you desire, think again.

Even if you get no written or spoken response to your communication, you will get an emotional response from your target audience. The problem is, you won’t know what it is!

Progressive employers are starting to come to terms with the fact that, to be effective, their communications departments cannot simply be disseminators of information and policy, they must – first and foremost – be critical listening posts.

And that brings me to tip number two.

2. Listen, listen, listen!

If you want to be understood, then listen!

Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

But think about this. If you want to plant a seedling and ensure it has the very best chance of growing into a healthy plant, you’re first going to spend a decent amount of time preparing and watering the soil into which you will plant it, aren’t you?

Likewise, if you want to get an important message across, you need to prepare the way for it. And you do this by listening carefully to the person or persons you’re intending to communicate with.

Listen to their tone of voice (what emotional state are they in?)

Listen to what they’re saying (what’s on their mind?)

Also, listen to what they’re not saying (does what they are saying align with or conflict with their behaviour and body language?)

And finally, listen generously (have you given them enough of an opportunity to complete their message properly?)

3. Be aware of – and beware of – filters

Filters are the source of most communications misunderstandings.

Let me explain.

Have you ever said or written something to someone and been completely taken aback at their reaction? The reason has to do with the filtering that occurs between the point of issuing of the message and the point of interpretation by the receiver.

Think about it. If all communications were received exactly as they were intended, the world would be a very different place. I’d go so far as to suggest that there would be few, if any, wars, a substantial reduction in marriage breakdowns and hardly enough work to keep the legal profession in business!

Let’s consider an example.

Janet is a project manager and has just met with her client who has brought forward the deadline for one of the important milestones she has been working to achieve. Janet innocently calls her husband, John, to explain that she has to work late at the office to make up time to meet the deadline.

John puts down the phone with an initial feeling of mild disappointment. He will miss not being able to share dinner with his wife.

But then his filters go to work on Janet’s message.

First, his ‘global’ or ‘generalised’ belief system, which holds that “people just can’t be trusted”, comes into play. His feelings turn to sadness as he interprets Janet’s communication to be a smokescreen for something else that she couldn’t tell him.

Then John’s life ‘rules’ that he developed over time, kick into play. One of his ‘rules’ is “if someone loves me they will put me first”. Now John’s sadness turns to a feeling of rejection as he starts to question his wife’s love for him.

Finally, John’s value system gets involved in further filtering of Janet’s message. Stability is one of John’s highest values and as he tries to reconcile what his wife said with this value, he becomes fearful that she may have found someone else and is intent on leaving him.

Do you see how a simple, innocently intended message, can become grossly distorted by the receiver?

Next time you experience a communication breakdown, think about how filters may have messed with the original integrity of the message.

Okay, here’s my all-time favourite tip for better communication…

4. The \’20 minute\’ rule

Always wait at least twenty minutes before responding to a communication that irks you or gets your back up.

You know what I mean…

• The corporate climber at the office who copies you in on an email to the boss in which he tries to take credit for a piece of great work you were responsible for.

• The customer/client who sends you a derogatory email berating you for poor service when you know it wasn’t your fault.

• The two-line fax from your bank telling you they’ve deactivated your account for being slightly overdrawn even though you’ve been a customer of theirs forever.

• The waitress in the restaurant who appears to be deliberately avoiding your gaze and beckoning gestures.

These are typical situations we all face from time to time. Many of us would be inclined to react angrily and shoot off some form of communication, drawing on the first thoughts and feelings that enter our heads.

BIG MISTAKE!

If you’ve ever reacted angrily and over hastily to something – and wished later that you hadn’t – you’ll know what I mean.

When your communication is driven primarily by raw emotion it might be a faithful indication of what you are feeling at the time but it’s highly unlikely to be interpreted in the way that you need it to be to get the results that you want to get.

It’s important to allow your immediate emotional response to subside well before you respond. You’ll be glad you did. Your response will be more measured, more thoughtful, more appropriate and better appreciated!

5. Flexibility is the key

To be a great communicator you have to be able to put yourself in the shoes of the person or persons you are communicating with.

This is easier said than done.

Although we may share certain traits and characteristics with other people there’s no getting away from the fact that every single person on this planet is unique. And that means that no two people will share the exact same perspective on the same situation or topic.

If you’re one of those people who is intolerant of those who hold different views and opinions and find it difficult to adapt your language or style, then it is unlikely that your attempts to communicate effectively will meet with success.

However, if you are flexible enough to recognise that certain situations and people call for different approaches and you have a high tolerance for other views and opinions, then you’ll find it easy to build the kind of rapport that ensures that your communications hit the mark.

Naturally good communicators are people who:

• understand that communication is a two-way give and take process;

• are great listeners;

• make every effort to be objective rather than subjective about things people say to them;

• think before ‘shooting from the hip’;

• are flexible enough to adapt to the people or circumstances that contextualise their communications.

Such people flourish in all aspects of life and business!