Happiness is, sadly, a rather elusive commodity for many people. And yet, most spiritual guides and deep thinking philosophers will tell you that attaining a state of happiness is the central purpose in life.
So what exactly is happiness and why does it not come naturally to most people?
“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”
– Aristotle
The culmination of an activity or event
Psychologists might define happiness as a state of well-being or contentment characterised by positive or pleasant emotions.
Most of us regard the state of happiness as an outcome, end result or culmination of some or other activity, process or event.
And often, because of deep rooted beliefs that life is meant to be a struggle and that we are either not worthy or deserving of happiness in abundance, we are inclined to concoct elaborate and restrictive rules (conditional if [this] … then [that] statements) for when it is acceptable to experience happiness.
Here are a few examples of what I mean:
“If I can bring up my children to be good citizens, then I will finally be happy.”
“If I can save up enough money for my retirement then I can at last be happy.”
“If I could have the courage to leave this dead end job and open my own business, then I will be happy.”
“If I can win big on the lottery and have enough money to buy my dream house then I will be really happy.”
Hard work, dedication and sacrifice
These commonly uttered statements and others like them position happiness as something to be strived for and something that requires a great deal of hard work, dedication, sacrifice … or else a big dollop of luck!
So, simply put, most of us make it really difficult for ourselves to experience anything more than fleeting moments of happiness.
Output … or input?
But what if I told you that true happiness, rather than being an outcome, is actually an input?
By that I mean that each and everyone of us has the ability to inject happiness into our lives and those of others on a daily basis, rather than wait for it to come about when the planets finally move into alignment!
A choice, not a dependency
Happiness is a natural and abundant inner quality that we can choose to release, or bring forth as frequently and consistently as we wish, or that we can choose to suppress until such point as we feel worthy to experience it.
Yes, happiness is actually a choice rather than a dependency!
This might sound counterintuitive to those who are going through difficult or challenging times.
“How can I be happy when my partner has just left me?” some might reason.
“There is no happiness in knowing that I have a serious medical condition,” others might say.
“Being happy is impossible when I have no money and bills to pay,” still others will claim.
And yet, no matter the situation, it is still quite possible to summon that inner quality of happiness because being happy, rather than being dependent on circumstances or other people, is actually a personal choice.
The State Triangle
New insights life coaching provides many wonderful tools and techniques to help clients bring their inner quality of happiness to the fore. One of the more simple ones is what we call the State Triangle.
Effectively, there are three forces, under our control, that we can employ to change our emotional state to one of more happiness at any time we need to.
Physiology:
Whether you choose to smile or frown will affect your emotional state. Whether you choose to stand tall or slump your shoulders will affect whether you feel confident or insecure, happy or depressed.
Language:
The language and tone of voice that you use to communicate with others will affect how you feel. A raised tone of voice and short sharp language will make you feel anxious and frustrated, whereas a soft tone with soothing words will result in a more relaxed, loving and happy state.
Focus/belief:
Of course, what you focus on – or believe in – will affect your emotions. Focusing on problems results in an emotional state that creates more problems, whereas focusing on gratitude and improving one’s life will result in a more positive, thankful and expectant feeling.
The upshot of this is that each of us has the wherewithal, simply by invoking one of these forces, to change from feeling, for example, upset, anxious and/or disappointed to feeling upbeat, confident and grateful … and therefore happy!
Far easier than you could ever imagine
Practise regularly using the forces of the State Triangle to change your emotional state and you will soon come to understand why happiness is your choice and why living a generally happy life is far easier than you could ever imagine!
Thanks again for the insights. Happiness is a choice, as is life. If you choose to be happy, I believe that joy , love , peace ,hope are brought to you as part of the parcel, if you can consistently choose happiness, just that, can influence the lives of 100’s to 1000’s of people around you positively. You may not know how, but know that it is a force that works not only inside but deep into the universe.
Happiness, is no doubt, the most important thing in our lives. If we are happy with our selves, happy with our health, happy with our relationships, happy with our career and finances, there is not much else we need. I choose to be happy. Thanks Bill for this blog.
Great words indeed Bill
one thing that keeps on holding people back on a number of things when it comes to leaving a happy life, is the fear of the unknown. It plays a bing role in brain washing people and convincing them that life is thee most difficult thing.Totally missing the point that only u who is in charge of your happiness.
My pleasure Tembeka!
Great post Bill! I actually start introducing the State Triangle to clients already in Session 1 if appropriate as it is such a powerful tool and one that, regardless of which stage of change we are at, brings instant positive and empowering effect. By Session 10, in which we explore the State Triangle again in more detail, it takes on an added dimension when put in relation to Questions.
I also wholeheartedly agree with your feedback around Gratefulness supporting to reinforce or prolong our feeling of ‘Happy’. I do this myself and also encourage clients to do so by use of the New Insights Daily Power Questions at the start and end of each day. #HappinessHabit
Thanks Jan – some great suggestions!
Happiness is no doubt, the most important thing in our lifelives. If we are happy with our selves, happy with our relationships, happy with our health, happy with our career and finances, there is not much else we needed.
This is a valuable blog and once again a reminder that we are responsible for everything in our lives, even our moods and feelings. Even the Bible states the importance of choosing to always be happy in Phillipians 4:4 : “Be glad. I repeat always be glad.” It is a command and therefore implies that we can choose to be happy.
I have recently read an article on research about the language that depressed people uses. Apart from the negative words which is obvious it was interesting to learn that depressed people tend to use absolutes like”never”, “always”, “hate” etc. a lot.
By choosing positive language and meditating on all that is good and beautiful, we can really literally talk ourselves into a positive and happy state that determines outcomes in life that affect us positively.
Wonderful points – thanks Michelle 🙂
Amazing….indeed Happiness is a choice
I cannot agree more that happiness is a choice and not a result of external forces. By choice, true joy is possible in the midst of unwelcome circumstances. Happiness starts with focusing on and feeling grateful for what you do have instead of concentrating on what you do not have! Pure joy is found deep within.
While I do agree happiness is a choice and not a result of external forces, I struggle with the concept of feeling grateful. I do not understand why being grateful is necessary to be happy. I consider myself as a happy person, looking positively at life and trying to make the best of it for myself and others, and yes while I am grateful for having a roof above my head and a job so I can enjoy life within my means, this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to have more. I am just trying to explain my position to hopefully get some insight about what does being grateful mean exactly or maybe some kind of references I could look up? Many thanks, and my apologies if my reply is not too appropriate.
Hi Stephanie, thanks for the comment. Here’s a different way to look at it:
People who focus on lack generally tend to be unhappy or discontented. On the other hand people who consistently feel grateful for what they have are generally not drawn into thoughts about lack and are therefore much happier.
Wanting more when you come from an attitude of gratitude is very different than wanting more when you habitually focus on lack. In the former case you take responsibility for your actions, whereas in the latter you tend to blame circumstances and others.
Hi Bill,
Thank you very much for your reply. I have always struggled to understand this concept and the way you explained it, well thank you as I finally have managed to grasp the concept of it. This is the first time it makes sense to me, thank you.
Gratefulness, is the only “get rich quick” scheme that really works. The reason being that as soon as you are grateful you find so many other things to be grateful for. Gratefulness does not equate to saturated
I like your honesty. If you want to read more on gratitude may I suggest the book : The gratitude effect by Dr. John F. Demartini. Another is : The luck factor by Dr. Richard Wiseman
Thank you Michelle, I will definitely look them up.
Thanks for your contribution Hermien!
Thanks for the reminder Bill!