The original founder of New Insights, Neil Asher, and his lovely wife Natasha, are celebrating their twelfth wedding anniversary as I write this post.
As Neil points out on his Facebook page, that’s some achievement nowadays … although, as I need to remind him, he’s got a long way to go to catch up with Jenni and me!
The question is: “What is it that makes for a relationship that can truly stand the test of time?”
[box type=\”shadow\”]“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
― Donald Miller
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Some might say …
“Stupidity”, “a thick skin”, “no ambition”, “a partner with more money”, “lack of courage” and even “fear” might be the type of answers to sprout forth from envious singles, the downright cynical or those stuck in marriages they dislike.
But for the sake of this post let’s discount the negative and focus on the strong, loving and mutually rewarding relationships that most of us want and some of us are fortunate enough to enjoy.
From time to time I see posts in our life coach forum from trainee coaches who encounter difficulty helping clients who want to bring about an improvement in their marriages or other key relationships.
Responsibility with a capital R
The problem, very often, comes down to the client’s inability or unwillingness to take personal Responsibility for their role in the relationship.
I deliberately spell the word with a capital R because it is of such a pivotal importance in life coaching.
It\’s up to me
“If it’s to be it’s up to me” is a saying that we frequently use at New Insights to underline the importance of taking responsibility when setting out to make improvements to one or more areas of your life.
Life coaching clients who wake up to – and embrace – the fact that they and they alone are responsible for how their lives turn out, invariably go on to make dramatic gains in their own personal growth and development.
A natural tendency
Let’s face it. We have a natural tendency to justify our shortcomings and blame our misfortunes by pointing to other people, events or circumstances beyond our control.
There’s that little something called the ego that prevents us from accepting that any less-than-desirable situation in which we find ourselves, can possibly be of our own making!
And relationships – which involve forming a bond between two outwardly similar, yet totally unique products of our divine creator – can often result in such situations.
Our old friends – justification and blame
When things tend to go ‘belly up’ in a relationship, our natural inclination is to chummy up with our old ‘friends’ justification and blame and give the dreaded Responsibility the cold shoulder!
“You just don’t understand me” is the signature call for those who feel the solution to a relationship impasse lies squarely with the other and the other’s willingness to change his or her attitude or approach.
Bringing the other person to their senses
If problems become more frequent, outside help is often sought to find ways to ‘bring the other person to their senses’.
Less experienced coaches whose clients approach them to help improve their relationships may struggle to understand why they seem powerless to help their clients progress.
Spotting the problem
But experienced coaches will spot the problem quickly … lack of Responsibility! The client simply wants the coach to help him or her how to bring about change … in the partner!
Of course, life coaching can never achieve that, nor should it ever attempt to. With the help of effective coaching, one should come to realise that attempting to control, change or manipulate others is a poor solution and a temporary one at best.
Personal Responsibility
Far better is to learn to take personal Responsibility.
By that I don’t mean to take all of the problems of the relationship on your own shoulders but to realise that you can only bring about lasting change in you. You cannot (either ethically or authentically) change your partner. Any meaningful change in your partner must come about as a result of their own actions.
Answering the question
So, let’s cut back to the question I posed at the beginning:
“What is it that makes for a relationship that can truly stand the test of time?”
In my opinion, it takes two individuals who fully respect (and preferably come to love) each other’s individuality and uniqueness and who appreciate that this will inevitably result in differences of opinion and approach that will require compromise.
It requires both individuals to take personal Responsibility for their own roles in improving the relationship. If committed, each partner needs to act unselfishly to make the changes needed to benefit the relationship.
If you can learn to love someone for who they are and how they complement you, rather than for who you want them to be and how they stroke your ego, then it’s very likely that you will encourage the same attitude and behaviour from them.
By being respectful of each other’s uniqueness, mutually committed to the relationship, totally Responsible for your own actions and behaviours and by acting unselfishly …
… You will create the pixie dust from which a strong and long lasting relationship will materialise!
Hi Bill
Trust is a big one in relationships. I know someone very close who has a loving long term relationship but doesn’t have 100% trust, due to her partners actions. Its a boundary which she feels has been crossed. As a friend its hard to coach her but clearly something needs to change.
Hi Annette, I’ve always associated authentic love in a relationship with mutual trust so I find it hard to see how you can have one without the other? Good communication between partners can resolve short term issues of trust that detract from the loving relationship. Poor communication increases the propensity for distrust and, as a consequence, the love between partners.
In October 2013 my husband and I had been married for a whole ONE year! His second marriage and my third. And I can easily say, so far, one of the best years of my life. I am not ashamed that I’m now thrice married, the previous two marriages were enormous learning experiences and journyes for me. Two main lessons that I have learned through them are firstly, selfishness is ultimately the underlying reason for all marital problems and divorce – yes, including those arising from money problems, affairs, sexual problems, miscommunications, etc…it took me a long time to digest this but once the penny dropped, it changed my life and secondly, I learned about the liberating power of “choice”.
We unequivocally have the freedom of choice in every area of our lives – nobody can “make” you angry, for example, just as nobody can “make” you happy.
Along with this God-given freedom to choose how we react to absolutely everything in our lives, comes great Responsibility.
I’m still learning about taking Responsibility in my relationships today but the journey is now an exciting and enjoyable one, free of pain, anguish and suffering. I believe it is a daily walk.
Aah … great comment, thank you. The power of Choice indeed!
My husband and I went on a Marriage Encounter weekend after 18 months of marriage (we’ve been married 35 years this year). This is an opportunity offered by both the Catholic and Anglican churches. Its basic philosophy is this: focus on making the other person happy not yourself. It’s the most difficult thing of all to do (because of our egos). It really is all about loving your partner unconditionally. When put into practice, it really does enhance one’s relationship.
Thanks for this little gem Karen 🙂
Morning Bill and congratulaions to Neil and Natasha
Bill this takes us back to basics, “do unto others what you want done unto you”. Point is if you love your strengths and embrace your weaknesses then its easier to understand that others also have flaws that they are not proud of but are learning to embrace. I apply that attitude to all my relationships (family, friends, partner, colleagues etc)and I must say, when I “got” it made my life very easy and I am more loving, patient, empathetic and happy but mostly its liberating for me as a trainee coach because then I work with my present clients rather than work with their partners in absentia so instead they learn about themselves in order for them to understand and accept others i.e their partners.
Those are wonderful insights Brenda – thank you!
The greatest potential is that which is hidden by the encounter of opposites. To recognise that potential however, requires looking inward first.
Well put Arjan!
Happy Anniversary to Neil and Natasha!
My husband and i have been together for 19 years and there are many areas where we are completely different, the way we see the world, how we spend our time, our spiritual beliefs, even the food we eat. I believe these differences are our greatest strength as a couple and I would probably go so far as to say that our differences are how we complement each other. We are a team and we’re better together than either of us are on our own, for exactly the reasons you gave. I love having someone i trust and that i know cares about me, that can give me a whole other way of looking at my life or a problem i am having.
As they say, “unlike poles attract” (provided there is mutual respect, tolerance and Responsibility!). Thanks for this, Tania.
These word just opened a new world for me thank you
You’re most welcome Louisa!